long gone.

It is cold in this room
and as usual, I am numb from
the tip of my feet to the most
solitary side of my heart.

I try to compose myself and
As I remember those painful words
I try to keep control of my emotions,
of my expressions that reveal everything.
I don't have any interest in letting
anyone know of how I truly feel.

Although the heart is slowly dissapearing
he still has the courage to demand for help as
if by crying out loud, we would go anywhere.

As I connect my world to the reality,
I commit myself to push away those who
believe they care about me. How it's one
expected to understand ones pain?
nobody is going through the pain and
destruction I am going through. And I hope
no one will. Every stab constantly rewinds in
my mind, and missing my dad? certainly
cannot go a day without a memory of him.

My faded heart is full of lost souls,
of broken promises and cold memories.
This phase has last for so long,
I do not see it's end. But when
it does I will pick up myself and
I will clean up this mess I have left behind
called: Pam.

lucky you.

I have fallen. Yes,

I am reaching the point
in where everything
she says, punctuates
like bullets into my heart.
I have a crush but a forbidden one.
I feel my eyes driving through the crowds
in the search of her face and find myself thinking
of how my life would change if I ever allow her in my heart.

Sometimes I wish it would all go away
but other times I just want to free it all to her.
Of course I'm fighting against it. But my mind
denies it.

Everything changes when she is in the room.
Hours pass by, people dissapear, air gets thick.
At times when she is not looking;
I stare at her with amusement, insecurity,
fear. Do I want to love her? or do I already need her?
and If I do want to love her, why does it has to feel
as if I'm the only one going crazy?. I am starting to think
love could posibly bring loneliness as well.

Speak the mind

"Your in love with the idea of moving on"

were her words.

Sometimes I wished she really
understood the meaning of it because
to her these are just words but to me,
they are my dark road.

I hear my thoughts persuade
my heart to make rational decisions
and as I walk this dirty path of loneliness,
I surrender to the cold wind that travels underneath
my skin.

And her words come back to life,
as if they were describing every single
step I'm about to make.
I gotta move on
But this cold wind which has become my friend,
does not want to let me go.
And I don't know if I wanna go either.

Quick note of update.

Dear dead body of mines,

how i'm adresssing u these days should

not surprised u at all, since all u've been doing

lately is pass out in front of my dreams.

I was told by one of the muscles of my

mind called cerebrum, that I must

express you how I truly feel and

how the things i am dealing with

constantly bother the who i am,

and the who i am

trying to be.

First of all;

DISSAPOINTMENT

is getting the ultimate energy

out of me. From people

leaving me behind, to others

stepping on me. is it alright? no.

then why do i allow it? because i'm weak.

Along with dissapointment, comes the school work,

of which i thought i was ready yet things such as "clubs & sports"

keep popping up and setting me apart from my most wanted

dream: college.

I am in a delta speed of finding my strenght

through the cracks of this broken muscle called heart.

but i am honestly finding myself more weak as the days pass

by and this weakness is making me cold as ever, from my fingers

to the way i proyect my interior and

of course it's overwhelming my black hole of which

i am more deepen in. Yes i need help. yet i need

no one because i do so much better, alone.

and my last concern...

that all my mental problems

show in my everyday life as

one simple action: eating. And

along with that habit; i no longer

find my inner HOPE for my unseen

yet miraculous God.

(how to save a life-The Fray)



Open wounds, open heart.

I saw you today,

in no time my heart stopped.
With no cautious, blood rushed
to the most infinite vein inside of me.
And the lyrics of that song keep coming
back to my mind. "we had magic"

I've been forbidden to think of you, for the sake
of my soul, for the sake of my heart. Yet I saw you
today and all boundaries trembled. I hate to think that
such weak & ignorant self as you could do so much to me.


I can have you fall to the ground if I wanted to, because I MADE YOU.
-or at least who you used to be-.
You elicited all your answers and targeted them to destroy
me, to destroy US.

how does it feel, to circumvent for an already given answer?
I wonder if you ever see yourself as what you have become:
a transparent copy of everything you promised you'd never be.
And because of that, you failed to me, to your dreams,
to your hopes, but most importantly you failed..
to YOURSELF.

Now, this feeling of revulsion and desire for you, hunts my nights.
My reasonings find it so abstruse, how can a person you loved
so much hurt you this way? and a part of me answers: "how
could you be SO stupid to NOT think he could?"

These wounds of mines, I hold you accountable for and
your actions will forever remain inconceivable to me.
And if anyone is to blame for not trying,
and if anyone is to blame of why I no longer love as fully as I used to;
I suggest you to look in the mirror. There you'll find that
onerous answer that inconceivably you avoid, my love.

Neither nine years nor 11 years will be enough to forget about Nine-Eleven

Nine years ago an exigency occurred.

Thousands of lives were lost in a tragedy of
great aspersion. Maybe it was our default,
since Protection is what we are known for,
but all this rebuke caused has left us with
stymied memories.

Is so hard to believe the brevity
in which World Trace Center was
destroyed: 15 seconds as I remembered
and 2,752 lost souls, that's including those
who died after words due to the
exposure of excesive dust but excluding
those 183 who died in The Pentagon &
44 who died in Flight 93.

Nine eleven since then, has turned
into an onerous moment of which
for some of us; It's a moment that
constantly rewinds in our memories.
Lost families, friends, people that
we will never get to meet and those
three question that will forever stay
still.

Why kill?
Who could?
How is it possible?

In these questions we expect
to find peace for our loss,
but would this really bring us back
our loved ones?
The tenet of Love is to honor those
who have died unfairly. So let us proudly
keep their memories extant. Stand up for
Love. Shout from here to the sky that they
shall now rest in peace knowing that they will
For Ever Be Alive.

Deceiving Love

Could it be possible to deceive Love?
Could Love be locked up in a place
with no windows, and still survive?
So that whatever is left would no longer
be Love neither something close to.

Love is selfish and carefree.
It cannot be forbidden from the Sun
nor the Moon. Love is free to do whatever he wants
with us.

That is why you are hurt, that is why I am hurt.
And as much as I wish this would be the last time,
I am sure with my life, it won't.

Love wants it all;
your thoughts, your soul,
your hopes. As selfish as it can be,
and as spoiled as no other feeling.

Love therefore,
needs freedom to satisfy it's own
selfishness.

Love is denial as it is affirmation.
Completely blind to it's own light,
nonsense, stubborn for his own good.
-Althought it might not be ours-

Even the cold blooded soul falls
to the ground on that moment of weakness.
Yes, Love hides weakness behind it's strength,
because you must be weak in order to become strong.

So, why haven't anyone stop Love from these childish games
of his? Why not lock it up in a safe place till it turns into
nothing?

See, some of us praise his death yet we're still here
trying to decode his silly games, trying to figure out how to get some more of that poison.
Feeding him with that pain and envy of everything we will never
have, and everything we hope to find.

Towards that final chapter, when all games
have been finally knocked down. When Love
walks it's final steps to the end. He plays
his last Ace.

~Open His Wings~

And everything else goes as follow...

Amusement.
Admiration.
Adoration.
Distraction.
H O P E.

And that's when you give in. Forgetting
past pains because Love have deceived you
again. And to answer my own question.

Love always wins.