My apologies- Confessions of a shattered mind

So much reminiscing, walking life tip toeing around the broken glass that I created. This is no news to me, it is not the first nor the last time I tried to reveal and suffer the consequences.

My problem always has been admitting the need of help, accepting the feeling of relief that comes with the "everything will be O.K" from psychologists, and scientists because after all, Heidegger was right. We are a simple run of bundle of qualities reduced to a scientific study. 

Notwithstanding I blame my brokenness on her stubbornness. Her persistence of wanting to live with this not-at-homeness feeling with the world. And, I tried once to yell her name, reveal myself against her paths, tell her to get out, to leave for once and for all, and to let me walk my nightmares alone.

But it is then in my bare rebelliousness that she unfolds her sweet evilness to me. When she stands above my being and in one second opens her wings to slap me infinitely with love, with anger, with pleasure. "I made you" are her gentle words that echo in my soul.

And as the truth sinks in, I take my fall to the frozen ground with the taste of sweet blood on my lips. And I wait, wait, and wait for her to build me up once more because as much as I hate to admit it, she makes me better. 

After deep doses of sleep I am still waking up every morning with the taste of blood on my lips. A reminder to never, ever again try to change the who I am because just as she builds me up, she is the only one who can decide when to tear me down. 

So, I start all over again trying to accommodate to her new needs, to the needs of others, to the ones I love, to the surrounds, to the world. Oh the world, this empty place that we are thrown to by an overruling power force. And I wonder the why of my existance, I hear answers, all so similar but all so difficult to accept. 

I prepare for the new trip, packed light because the walk will be very long. I commit to her pleasure, knowing that I am committing to never endless challenges but with promises this time, that things will be different as long as I don't try to reveal again. I stare deep into her eyes, my eyes, she smiles, I smile because she is so beautiful and I feel so safe. "Where do I begin?"
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"Start by loving yourself."     

Give Me

Those words that linger in your
tongue can cure all of my soul.
And those eyes have the blues that gives
me hope of a brighter future.
Your lips are the evidence that heaven exists,
impulsing me to sail your body like an ocean
without limits.
In your arms I find the route of strength
to defy the world.
And your voice, so sweet, softens
my cruel nights.
My philosophy and my religion is to search
for a reason to live in your heart.
My only philosophy and religion
is the theory of reaching your soul.
Give me a reason, a sign, give me some of your hope.
Give me your first time, your loneliness, your fears,
your first kiss. Give me everything you have. Give me
a little more of you and I will give you a little more of me.
Give me a minute of your life to find happiness in your heart.

Set those words free.

Au Revoir to my Bonjour

What is France without Bonjour?

It's love without affection, it's a night

without the moon: empty and solitary of a soul.

It is a kiss never given or words never spoken and 

if so, there is no moment that can give back the real

Bonjour. 

France would then, no longer mean anything to the lovers 

neither to the dreamers or to the painters. It's no longer a 

description of what used to be happiness but rather empty actions of lust. 

France without Bonjour it's what I call you; 

with your attitude so carefree that makes me 

feel so weak, with your so called reality that reminds me 

of empty streets in Berlin. And your smile of a king....That gives it all away.

"Bonjour" I say to you but, there is no hello in a goodbye like this,

cause my France has been destroyed for lack of faith and

hope for this love. "Au Revoir France"

P. 72

What is life after a break of heart?

It's a teardrop in the sky. It's expecting

a never incoming call. It's a kiss on a cheek

when all you want, its a taste of his lips.

It's dreaming and not wanting to wake up because,

only in your dreams you can have everything you

really want because everything you ever wanted was,

to have him in your arms.

 

By: Linda Bergkvist

P. 60

Can't clearly

remember the day
I let go of myself.
I've been so detached,
so distant from my own
tenets. All I remember
is people expecting the best
of me and I -the lonely victim-
instantly living for those
expectations. I guess,
from that point on I haven't
touch a single side of the
real me. I encourage others
to fight for who they are
with wise words that sometimes
I don't believe, myself. But I'm so
scared of anyone getting
to the point I am that, I run them
out as if they were part
of my vocabulary, already.
-which they are-.


I'm tired of living for the
expectations of a world that I
don't belong to. To follow
certain rules of which I don't
believe on. To dress, speak,
act in certain ways that do
not reflect the least marginal
of myself.

It is interesting
how I see myself reflected
through the fears of those
I know. Therefore you could
conclude that I might be just a little
of every mistake made, chunked together.
I have no definition, no
concrete stabilize shape or
form or personality.


But Lately,
I find myself analizing ME.
Urged to find that simple explanation
of what I really might be made of.
I have always been good at decoding
my surrounds. To read in their
faces their most intimate desire
as if I could read their mind -
thank God I don't. but I
also thank God for that gift
that I constantly explore-
So I take deep looks at myself
in the mirror and stare long
enough to forget my name.
I try asking myself these random
questions, expecting my mind
to formulate the answers that
I might hide from myself.


beyond my eyes I experience
something that no one
gets to see. I see a light that
I don't recognize. I see a genuine
smile.I see that lost Hope.
I try to convince myself, that
Hope is me. That the light shining
through my pupils, is really who I am.
I beg for that light to stay
But it dissapears as
soon as I remember who I am.
I miss me.
I miss smiling for no reason,
I miss dressing as I wish
with my heavy accesories and
dark colors. I miss life.

-if I ever lived one-
 I have fallen so behind

of everything I hoped to be.
I feel my brightness fade
with each breaking dawn
and strangely the only place
where I feel I truly belong,
is that temple everyone
forgets and understimates.
I am as transparent as
the cristalines waters of
the manantial but, this place
goes beyond of what my emotions
might describe. As if the warmth
of its peace, rips my clothes off
and discovers the ME underneath
all these titles, sins, temptations
mistakes, weaknessess I dress myself with.
They always wonder why I cry when I'm at
mass. And I wonder how they DON'T cry.
I feel so overwhelmed with forgiveness
because, He wants me to forgive myself.
I wonder how they can't experience that.
I pray, one day they might see what I see.

I regret ever allowing to let go of myself.
I do not believe in that crap
of "there are not regrets just lessons learned"
heck yes. I have many regrets. And yes I have
learned my lessons but, there must be regrets
in order to know what path to avoid,in order to
not fall in the same, exact hole, same exact
dark phase. Because after all, life is just
as complicated as it might seem, a combination
of phases that goes as roller coster's in where ones decides
how to react but cannot fully change one's situation.
Only its prospective. Only its way to respond. Only
its way to overcome it.