remember the day
I let go of myself.
I've been so detached,
so distant from my own
tenets. All I remember
is people expecting the best
of me and I -the lonely victim-
instantly living for those
expectations. I guess,
from that point on I haven't
touch a single side of the
real me. I encourage others
to fight for who they are
with wise words that sometimes
I don't believe, myself. But I'm so
scared of anyone getting
to the point I am that, I run them
out as if they were part
of my vocabulary, already.
-which they are-.
I'm tired of living for the
expectations of a world that I
don't belong to. To follow
certain rules of which I don't
believe on. To dress, speak,
act in certain ways that do
not reflect the least marginal
of myself.
It is interesting
how I see myself reflected
through the fears of those
I know. Therefore you could
conclude that I might be just a little
of every mistake made, chunked together.
I have no definition, no
concrete stabilize shape or
form or personality.
But Lately,
I find myself analizing ME.
Urged to find that simple explanation
of what I really might be made of.
I have always been good at decoding
my surrounds. To read in their
faces their most intimate desire
as if I could read their mind -
thank God I don't. but I
also thank God for that gift
that I constantly explore-
So I take deep looks at myself
in the mirror and stare long
enough to forget my name.
I try asking myself these random
questions, expecting my mind
to formulate the answers that
I might hide from myself.
beyond my eyes I experience
something that no one
gets to see. I see a light that
I don't recognize. I see a genuine
smile.I see that lost Hope.
I try to convince myself, that
Hope is me. That the light shining
through my pupils, is really who I am.
I beg for that light to stay
But it dissapears as
soon as I remember who I am.
I miss me.
I miss smiling for no reason,
I miss dressing as I wish
with my heavy accesories and
dark colors. I miss life.
-if I ever lived one-
I have fallen so behind
of everything I hoped to be.
I feel my brightness fade
with each breaking dawn
and strangely the only place
where I feel I truly belong,
is that temple everyone
forgets and understimates.
I am as transparent as
the cristalines waters of
the manantial but, this place
goes beyond of what my emotions
might describe. As if the warmth
of its peace, rips my clothes off
and discovers the ME underneath
all these titles, sins, temptations
mistakes, weaknessess I dress myself with.
They always wonder why I cry when I'm at
mass. And I wonder how they DON'T cry.
I feel so overwhelmed with forgiveness
because, He wants me to forgive myself.
I wonder how they can't experience that.
I pray, one day they might see what I see.
I regret ever allowing to let go of myself.
I do not believe in that crap
of "there are not regrets just lessons learned"
heck yes. I have many regrets. And yes I have
learned my lessons but, there must be regrets
in order to know what path to avoid,in order to
not fall in the same, exact hole, same exact
dark phase. Because after all, life is just
as complicated as it might seem, a combination
of phases that goes as roller coster's in where ones decides
how to react but cannot fully change one's situation.
Only its prospective. Only its way to respond. Only
its way to overcome it.
