Height

Height is the distance between the bottom 

And top, between greatness and madness. 

Height is a jump, is a step, 

And is also a fall.

Few find it intimidating, being at the top, 

Or even at the bottom of any height.

This fear rises from the sensation 

Of an unexpected result.

It is not knowing whether pain

Will be greater at the high of heights,

Or the lowest of height. 

Height can be a challenge, a dream,

Or a person. 

And to me, height is you.

I have always aimed for gentle, loving,

Matured, focused, spiritual,

And darling, you 

Are all of the above. 

You have lay down 

A fine thread for me to cross,

I have you so close, 

Almost a hand away from falling,

And that is where my fear begins. 

I fear you,

I fear having you 

one step closer,

I crash to your being 

In my thoughts.

In every chance I get,

I feed myself a little of

The great man that you are,

And slowly,

All my wounds cease to ache. 

There is fire in the waters below,

I see it from this height but,

I focus on your light,

Trying to make sense of my feelings,

And at the same time 

Channeling some sense into my blood. 

It all makes sense, 

It is clear you will let me slip,

So I let the fool in me take over,

And enjoy the light.

Feed myself a little more, 

Gaze at your eyes long enough,

So that I have something to reminisce 

During my free fall.  

Ultimately that is all I will have,

the memory of a gaze, 

A thought of what never was.

An unreachable height. 

And I will drown once again 

In the waters of fire, 

After a long fall in the madness.

Until the next poem rises from my insides 

Claiming a story that never existed.  

I fear you height.

Vidas Extraviadas

Tu que sonríes en cada fotografía con ella,
Tu que en tus pensamientos te lastimas a latigazos por aquel abandono,
Tu que de momentos me amas, pero que en otros momentos me odias,
Tu que sonríes en cada fotografía con ella.

Te preguntas si talvez el destino nos pondrá de frente una vez mas,
y porque te mientes? si sabes bien que el encontrarnos no fue solo un hechizo, o un capricho del destino, mas bien un desnudo completo a nuestras almas vulnerables. Un espejo donde solo se reflejaban figuras de apariencia peculiar pero muy similar desde los mas simple detalles, hasta los mas oscuro secretos.


Porque te mientes? de verdad piensas que otro encuentro no causaría el mismo efecto o uno peor? Esto es como iniciar un volcán si esperar erupción.

Tu que de dia vives feliz, pero al atardecer te inundes en los mas temibles abismos, en mis mas terribles pesadillas. En mi mar de poemas, en las sinfonías que le cantas a través de tus pensamientos, a aquel pequeño musculo que marcaste tuyo hace años. Deja de esconderte que dos almas tan semejantes, en diferentes extremos no son peligrosas solo amigosas. 

Talvez te espante con mis preguntas, con mis dudas, con mis cicatrices profundas pero no lo olvides, solo hay un Rey en este pedazo de musculo que cargo en el pecho.

Y aun no se si sera este tu deseable trofeo, tu peor pesadilla o tu mayor triunfo, pero....

El volcán, en nuestra próxima vía lo determinaran.

Wires

I open my eyes to what feels to be soft and cold, perhaps it is snow that buries my unmovable body. I lay there hoping someone can figure out that I am still alive and, I hear voices calling names but none are calling mine. And that brings me to the question, "what is my name?" 

I remember a room, full of pictures, there is a table with what seems to be sharp knifes and wires. "WIRES!" I can feel the burn of my hands and feet at the memory of those wires, it's a combination of pleasure, pain and warmth to my body. I feel compassion and attraction to the wires. They bring memories, so many memories flushing in and out and, in one second I'm laughing while the next I am crying out of pain. 

I don't understand, the more I let the thoughts flush through my head, the more energy I feel towards the wires. They are burning, crushing my bones, with such intensity that almost brings me to pleasure. I come back to the present and focus on using that energy to free myself from whatever I am under. It's a heavy load, so soft but suffocating and overwhelming, no muscles in move, limited oxygen. I try to touch my face, and it's a complete illusion. There is no moving going on, but I close my eyes and imagine the feeling of my hands in contact with the outside. 

"You're my dream girl" 

It's what I hear, while he ties the wires to my feet. My eyes are open and lively watching everything happen but, the mind is rejoicing in the words, and in everything that flows out of his lips. It's like magic, his lips barely move but every word sounds so sweet, way too sweet. Then, he grabs my hands, the last free thing,  

"I get to marry the girl of my dreams"

and it is as if I volunteer to surrender them, It's a hurtful knot and my pulse raises, but I could care less when I'm dancing with the devil. 

Every morning after that felt like a preparation for a heart attack. The pulses felt stronger but, the physical pain was eased as long as his lips were whispering in my ear. Some days I was standing, others I was sitting, I observed the pictures in the room which none made sense. Pictures of letters, pictures of other pictures, shoes, notebook, bracelets, a t-shirt, a mug, a wallet. There is no correlation between the objects but, I know I've seen them before. I try to remember why I'm tied up again, but I struggle as much as I struggled to remember my name in reality. I asked questions, but they seem to have turned him violent towards me, and I breathe in as I watch the knifes flying my way. I take a few steps back and crumble to the bed, quick enough to remember that I am all tied up. "Ahhh" there is the pain, the pain in my reality, pain in my illusion, pain in my memories, from what? from moving? the wires? from a knife piercing my soul? I never understood the rules of the game, was I suppose to surrender and never question? was I suppose to stand quietly and never doubt? Or, was I suppose to believe everything was told and given, and be satisfied with it?  

The flashbacks become more vivid, and the weight from the snow begins to intensify as the pain from the memories do. I remember passing out on the ground, tied up and naked to my soul. I said little before closing my eyes, but whatever I said was enough for him to untied the wires. And it burned, it burned so much, so, so, so much. I was free but the pain was worst than the knifes crushing me, than the wires accelerating my heart beat, than the "almost a heart attack" feeling every morning. "Take it as a lesson learned, never defy love" were the last words before I close my eyes. 

I come back to reality, and I'm numb. I think the snow have frozen my body again, and it makes sense since the memory of the wires is gone. I hear a sound, I cannot make up the words but, someone is getting closer, and they are yelling desperately, almost nervously, but I am tired, I want to sleep now. It's getting closer but I canno--

"PAM!"  

Ragdoll

As the old pictures waiting to be hanged,
As the cloth of last night's dinner,
Always waiting more of me,
But my heartfelt words have offered just enough.

What was never said will dissolve in tea,
as the cheater who says "never again"
I'm feeling trapped in this prison of love.
But on the road of oblivious will I belong if
I ever renounce this statement of love.

I would face the devil, without doubt,
if that is what it took to see your face when I speak.
You're simply everything I want
but I lose you completely between my silences.
My eyes are two black crosses that have never spoken,
My heart full of cruel distress and I,
a misunderstood ragdoll.

Every silence is a cloud that flies away behind me,
with a nonstop mourn. I wanna tell you what I feel for you
without a fear. And may the moon be my guest when I say
that I love you with the same passion in which
January witnessed our love.

I am not afraid of the eternal fire
nor to it's bitter stories of love but
silence is such a cold feeling. And my
winters are already so long.

Your return seems far, still
laying in between the verses of a cheap tango song
and undebatable this sincere heart that belongs to you,
can die intact as the soul of a ragdoll.

*Inspired by Oreja De Vang Gogh
Muñeca De Trapo*

Put my heart on top of a cold stone this time.

It has been 2 years now.
Since the first time I met his eyes.
Things been so wrong since then.
I have gotten so many different sights from my heart.
First hate & rejection.
Then kindness & understanding.
We've been through so much (or at least that's how I see it)
you have been rude to me & I have been rude to you.
But 3 months to now, things have change. Suddenly I seem to hear the sound of my heart beat faster at
the sound of your steps. Suddenly my day seem to bright up at the thought of your presence.
But even then I didn't put much of attention to this feeling
and just laugh at the idea of really feeling something for you.
I mean. I never thought this could happen to me.
And when I realize how much of this power have gone out of control. I just shake my head and all thoughts involved.
So, I decided to stop any type of absolute bond with you.
Of course, we don't talk. And as long as this feeling over-runs my head it would stay that way.
Pathetic I feel sometimes, when to cease my thirsts I run behind you. I feel like crying my heart out
and let you know of this...Obsession. But of course that would be like stabbing my heart with a knife and scissors.
But today was the extreme. Besides being a ridiculous Stalker. I google "what to do when you have a crush  on a teacher" I could barely remember everything I read. The only words that stood out were: Illegal, NOT in love, Impossible, Phase, Temporary, Obsession.... and I felt so dumb.
I look at myself in the mirror and I laugh. Is this alright?
They say it's just a phase, to enjoy the feeling while it lasts because 3 years from now this would just be a memory. I hope these years pass on quick because everytime you get an inch closed, my air disappears. I don't see this as something "Fun" anymore. This bothers me, this feeling of wanting something Impossible. It hurts to dream alone, is like a curse. This feeling come and go, I can leave for weeks and come back and this desire will still be there. I can get distracted and not see you for a week. And as soon as you meet my eyes in the hall way my whole body shakes. Goose bumps, shocks, I can feel the burning blood rush through my veins in a sec. My body becomes numb and my face turns blank with no expression, time stops for me. All this in a merely second, or perhaps more because the next thing I hear is the late bell.
is it fair? not really. does he know? well isn't it obvious?