P. 60

Can't clearly

remember the day
I let go of myself.
I've been so detached,
so distant from my own
tenets. All I remember
is people expecting the best
of me and I -the lonely victim-
instantly living for those
expectations. I guess,
from that point on I haven't
touch a single side of the
real me. I encourage others
to fight for who they are
with wise words that sometimes
I don't believe, myself. But I'm so
scared of anyone getting
to the point I am that, I run them
out as if they were part
of my vocabulary, already.
-which they are-.


I'm tired of living for the
expectations of a world that I
don't belong to. To follow
certain rules of which I don't
believe on. To dress, speak,
act in certain ways that do
not reflect the least marginal
of myself.

It is interesting
how I see myself reflected
through the fears of those
I know. Therefore you could
conclude that I might be just a little
of every mistake made, chunked together.
I have no definition, no
concrete stabilize shape or
form or personality.


But Lately,
I find myself analizing ME.
Urged to find that simple explanation
of what I really might be made of.
I have always been good at decoding
my surrounds. To read in their
faces their most intimate desire
as if I could read their mind -
thank God I don't. but I
also thank God for that gift
that I constantly explore-
So I take deep looks at myself
in the mirror and stare long
enough to forget my name.
I try asking myself these random
questions, expecting my mind
to formulate the answers that
I might hide from myself.


beyond my eyes I experience
something that no one
gets to see. I see a light that
I don't recognize. I see a genuine
smile.I see that lost Hope.
I try to convince myself, that
Hope is me. That the light shining
through my pupils, is really who I am.
I beg for that light to stay
But it dissapears as
soon as I remember who I am.
I miss me.
I miss smiling for no reason,
I miss dressing as I wish
with my heavy accesories and
dark colors. I miss life.

-if I ever lived one-
 I have fallen so behind

of everything I hoped to be.
I feel my brightness fade
with each breaking dawn
and strangely the only place
where I feel I truly belong,
is that temple everyone
forgets and understimates.
I am as transparent as
the cristalines waters of
the manantial but, this place
goes beyond of what my emotions
might describe. As if the warmth
of its peace, rips my clothes off
and discovers the ME underneath
all these titles, sins, temptations
mistakes, weaknessess I dress myself with.
They always wonder why I cry when I'm at
mass. And I wonder how they DON'T cry.
I feel so overwhelmed with forgiveness
because, He wants me to forgive myself.
I wonder how they can't experience that.
I pray, one day they might see what I see.

I regret ever allowing to let go of myself.
I do not believe in that crap
of "there are not regrets just lessons learned"
heck yes. I have many regrets. And yes I have
learned my lessons but, there must be regrets
in order to know what path to avoid,in order to
not fall in the same, exact hole, same exact
dark phase. Because after all, life is just
as complicated as it might seem, a combination
of phases that goes as roller coster's in where ones decides
how to react but cannot fully change one's situation.
Only its prospective. Only its way to respond. Only
its way to overcome it.



Unleashed Monster

I have become a monster.
That which do not feel
neither needs a heart.

Now that I have
unleash this side of me
I find unnecessary to go back
to who I used to be.

Friendships falling apart,
Wrong decisions,
Ugly sides of weaknesses.
And selfish love.

Watching pieces of who
I used to be float in the air
and not recognizing them.
Pretending to feel, when
all I have are empty holes.

"Im not the same!!"
screams my mind.
but who listens?
the sky, the dark inane
road of life that I have
selfishly twisted to feed
my thirsty hole. My dark,
empty hole.

I need a light.
I need my shine.
I need my spark.
I want to find myself
in the mirror, again.
I hope is not too late.

long gone.

It is cold in this room
and as usual, I am numb from
the tip of my feet to the most
solitary side of my heart.

I try to compose myself and
As I remember those painful words
I try to keep control of my emotions,
of my expressions that reveal everything.
I don't have any interest in letting
anyone know of how I truly feel.

Although the heart is slowly dissapearing
he still has the courage to demand for help as
if by crying out loud, we would go anywhere.

As I connect my world to the reality,
I commit myself to push away those who
believe they care about me. How it's one
expected to understand ones pain?
nobody is going through the pain and
destruction I am going through. And I hope
no one will. Every stab constantly rewinds in
my mind, and missing my dad? certainly
cannot go a day without a memory of him.

My faded heart is full of lost souls,
of broken promises and cold memories.
This phase has last for so long,
I do not see it's end. But when
it does I will pick up myself and
I will clean up this mess I have left behind
called: Pam.

lucky you.

I have fallen. Yes,

I am reaching the point
in where everything
she says, punctuates
like bullets into my heart.
I have a crush but a forbidden one.
I feel my eyes driving through the crowds
in the search of her face and find myself thinking
of how my life would change if I ever allow her in my heart.

Sometimes I wish it would all go away
but other times I just want to free it all to her.
Of course I'm fighting against it. But my mind
denies it.

Everything changes when she is in the room.
Hours pass by, people dissapear, air gets thick.
At times when she is not looking;
I stare at her with amusement, insecurity,
fear. Do I want to love her? or do I already need her?
and If I do want to love her, why does it has to feel
as if I'm the only one going crazy?. I am starting to think
love could posibly bring loneliness as well.

Speak the mind

"Your in love with the idea of moving on"

were her words.

Sometimes I wished she really
understood the meaning of it because
to her these are just words but to me,
they are my dark road.

I hear my thoughts persuade
my heart to make rational decisions
and as I walk this dirty path of loneliness,
I surrender to the cold wind that travels underneath
my skin.

And her words come back to life,
as if they were describing every single
step I'm about to make.
I gotta move on
But this cold wind which has become my friend,
does not want to let me go.
And I don't know if I wanna go either.

Quick note of update.

Dear dead body of mines,

how i'm adresssing u these days should

not surprised u at all, since all u've been doing

lately is pass out in front of my dreams.

I was told by one of the muscles of my

mind called cerebrum, that I must

express you how I truly feel and

how the things i am dealing with

constantly bother the who i am,

and the who i am

trying to be.

First of all;

DISSAPOINTMENT

is getting the ultimate energy

out of me. From people

leaving me behind, to others

stepping on me. is it alright? no.

then why do i allow it? because i'm weak.

Along with dissapointment, comes the school work,

of which i thought i was ready yet things such as "clubs & sports"

keep popping up and setting me apart from my most wanted

dream: college.

I am in a delta speed of finding my strenght

through the cracks of this broken muscle called heart.

but i am honestly finding myself more weak as the days pass

by and this weakness is making me cold as ever, from my fingers

to the way i proyect my interior and

of course it's overwhelming my black hole of which

i am more deepen in. Yes i need help. yet i need

no one because i do so much better, alone.

and my last concern...

that all my mental problems

show in my everyday life as

one simple action: eating. And

along with that habit; i no longer

find my inner HOPE for my unseen

yet miraculous God.

(how to save a life-The Fray)



Open wounds, open heart.

I saw you today,

in no time my heart stopped.
With no cautious, blood rushed
to the most infinite vein inside of me.
And the lyrics of that song keep coming
back to my mind. "we had magic"

I've been forbidden to think of you, for the sake
of my soul, for the sake of my heart. Yet I saw you
today and all boundaries trembled. I hate to think that
such weak & ignorant self as you could do so much to me.


I can have you fall to the ground if I wanted to, because I MADE YOU.
-or at least who you used to be-.
You elicited all your answers and targeted them to destroy
me, to destroy US.

how does it feel, to circumvent for an already given answer?
I wonder if you ever see yourself as what you have become:
a transparent copy of everything you promised you'd never be.
And because of that, you failed to me, to your dreams,
to your hopes, but most importantly you failed..
to YOURSELF.

Now, this feeling of revulsion and desire for you, hunts my nights.
My reasonings find it so abstruse, how can a person you loved
so much hurt you this way? and a part of me answers: "how
could you be SO stupid to NOT think he could?"

These wounds of mines, I hold you accountable for and
your actions will forever remain inconceivable to me.
And if anyone is to blame for not trying,
and if anyone is to blame of why I no longer love as fully as I used to;
I suggest you to look in the mirror. There you'll find that
onerous answer that inconceivably you avoid, my love.