The Ironic similarities of my life through Hamlet's soliloqy

To love or not to love- that is the question:

Whether ‘tis easier to open up to the heart

And allow these lips to touch yours

Or to stay away from pain, sorrow

And deceptions. And, by refusing

You, save the last pieces of my heart.

To kiss, to stop our bodies from being together—

No more—and by kissing to say we fall in love,

We fall to the moon, the stars and those few

People that know about this Love- Tis a consummation

I wish to face.

To reject you, to stop the heart-

To stop, perchance list the dreams of the mind.

Ay, there’s the rub,

For in that mind lie insane desires.

Mind and heart colliding chaotic

In our secret place. To reject you

In exchange for your lack of affection.

Must give you pause. Food for thought.

There is the respect for Love, if you have any.

For who would sit here and wait for uncertainty,

For promises written over text. While I watch the girl

Of your past steal my place.

The disappointment of going through hell

To convince you love me.

The Fie to not be able to let go.

The tears you promise never let me drop.

Who shall I account this pain for?

For who deserves the sorrow given,

The stress put through,

The selfishness of thy words,

The gossips discuss,

That makes this heart bleed sweat

Since blood has no more.

For who are these two hours of affection enough?

Thus thy sweet lips could make any

Sorrow disappear, and thus thy words

Promise a better future.

Is tentative to surrender to thy touch.

Of to which my heart beats slow

Allowing me to count the hours, days,

Left to go,

And only thy affection could rebirth the hope

And only moments of attention could bend back my decision to let go.

And lose the sense of reasoning just for thy Love.

~unwinding cable cars

Let her come to you.
If its something worth it
she will come back and fight
for it; if she gets lost in her way
back its because it was never meant to
happen and I rather you know the truth and end it as
early as possible than wait for a change that
might never come. Remember the truth hurts but it
keeps you off from being a fool.

Life lesson unheard

2 days and I already miss you.
I mean, it must be obvious
to the eyes of the world
that I need it you to be
my salvation. This change
was my last hope before
really giving up on my heart.

I always wonder why everytime
I found something special, a rock
would come in between and break it,
as if I didn't deserve it.

Whether you meant it or
whether it's over, I'm in pain again.
My heart is already bleeding sweat;
Yes, sweat. Because I have no blood left.

Perhaps life is trying to show
me something and I'm too busy gazing
at my wound to notice.
I wish I could be able to control
the bleeding for a little while
so that I can concentrate in the lesson
that life is trying to teach me.

P. 60

Can't clearly

remember the day
I let go of myself.
I've been so detached,
so distant from my own
tenets. All I remember
is people expecting the best
of me and I -the lonely victim-
instantly living for those
expectations. I guess,
from that point on I haven't
touch a single side of the
real me. I encourage others
to fight for who they are
with wise words that sometimes
I don't believe, myself. But I'm so
scared of anyone getting
to the point I am that, I run them
out as if they were part
of my vocabulary, already.
-which they are-.


I'm tired of living for the
expectations of a world that I
don't belong to. To follow
certain rules of which I don't
believe on. To dress, speak,
act in certain ways that do
not reflect the least marginal
of myself.

It is interesting
how I see myself reflected
through the fears of those
I know. Therefore you could
conclude that I might be just a little
of every mistake made, chunked together.
I have no definition, no
concrete stabilize shape or
form or personality.


But Lately,
I find myself analizing ME.
Urged to find that simple explanation
of what I really might be made of.
I have always been good at decoding
my surrounds. To read in their
faces their most intimate desire
as if I could read their mind -
thank God I don't. but I
also thank God for that gift
that I constantly explore-
So I take deep looks at myself
in the mirror and stare long
enough to forget my name.
I try asking myself these random
questions, expecting my mind
to formulate the answers that
I might hide from myself.


beyond my eyes I experience
something that no one
gets to see. I see a light that
I don't recognize. I see a genuine
smile.I see that lost Hope.
I try to convince myself, that
Hope is me. That the light shining
through my pupils, is really who I am.
I beg for that light to stay
But it dissapears as
soon as I remember who I am.
I miss me.
I miss smiling for no reason,
I miss dressing as I wish
with my heavy accesories and
dark colors. I miss life.

-if I ever lived one-
 I have fallen so behind

of everything I hoped to be.
I feel my brightness fade
with each breaking dawn
and strangely the only place
where I feel I truly belong,
is that temple everyone
forgets and understimates.
I am as transparent as
the cristalines waters of
the manantial but, this place
goes beyond of what my emotions
might describe. As if the warmth
of its peace, rips my clothes off
and discovers the ME underneath
all these titles, sins, temptations
mistakes, weaknessess I dress myself with.
They always wonder why I cry when I'm at
mass. And I wonder how they DON'T cry.
I feel so overwhelmed with forgiveness
because, He wants me to forgive myself.
I wonder how they can't experience that.
I pray, one day they might see what I see.

I regret ever allowing to let go of myself.
I do not believe in that crap
of "there are not regrets just lessons learned"
heck yes. I have many regrets. And yes I have
learned my lessons but, there must be regrets
in order to know what path to avoid,in order to
not fall in the same, exact hole, same exact
dark phase. Because after all, life is just
as complicated as it might seem, a combination
of phases that goes as roller coster's in where ones decides
how to react but cannot fully change one's situation.
Only its prospective. Only its way to respond. Only
its way to overcome it.



Unleashed Monster

I have become a monster.
That which do not feel
neither needs a heart.

Now that I have
unleash this side of me
I find unnecessary to go back
to who I used to be.

Friendships falling apart,
Wrong decisions,
Ugly sides of weaknesses.
And selfish love.

Watching pieces of who
I used to be float in the air
and not recognizing them.
Pretending to feel, when
all I have are empty holes.

"Im not the same!!"
screams my mind.
but who listens?
the sky, the dark inane
road of life that I have
selfishly twisted to feed
my thirsty hole. My dark,
empty hole.

I need a light.
I need my shine.
I need my spark.
I want to find myself
in the mirror, again.
I hope is not too late.

long gone.

It is cold in this room
and as usual, I am numb from
the tip of my feet to the most
solitary side of my heart.

I try to compose myself and
As I remember those painful words
I try to keep control of my emotions,
of my expressions that reveal everything.
I don't have any interest in letting
anyone know of how I truly feel.

Although the heart is slowly dissapearing
he still has the courage to demand for help as
if by crying out loud, we would go anywhere.

As I connect my world to the reality,
I commit myself to push away those who
believe they care about me. How it's one
expected to understand ones pain?
nobody is going through the pain and
destruction I am going through. And I hope
no one will. Every stab constantly rewinds in
my mind, and missing my dad? certainly
cannot go a day without a memory of him.

My faded heart is full of lost souls,
of broken promises and cold memories.
This phase has last for so long,
I do not see it's end. But when
it does I will pick up myself and
I will clean up this mess I have left behind
called: Pam.

lucky you.

I have fallen. Yes,

I am reaching the point
in where everything
she says, punctuates
like bullets into my heart.
I have a crush but a forbidden one.
I feel my eyes driving through the crowds
in the search of her face and find myself thinking
of how my life would change if I ever allow her in my heart.

Sometimes I wish it would all go away
but other times I just want to free it all to her.
Of course I'm fighting against it. But my mind
denies it.

Everything changes when she is in the room.
Hours pass by, people dissapear, air gets thick.
At times when she is not looking;
I stare at her with amusement, insecurity,
fear. Do I want to love her? or do I already need her?
and If I do want to love her, why does it has to feel
as if I'm the only one going crazy?. I am starting to think
love could posibly bring loneliness as well.

Speak the mind

"Your in love with the idea of moving on"

were her words.

Sometimes I wished she really
understood the meaning of it because
to her these are just words but to me,
they are my dark road.

I hear my thoughts persuade
my heart to make rational decisions
and as I walk this dirty path of loneliness,
I surrender to the cold wind that travels underneath
my skin.

And her words come back to life,
as if they were describing every single
step I'm about to make.
I gotta move on
But this cold wind which has become my friend,
does not want to let me go.
And I don't know if I wanna go either.

Quick note of update.

Dear dead body of mines,

how i'm adresssing u these days should

not surprised u at all, since all u've been doing

lately is pass out in front of my dreams.

I was told by one of the muscles of my

mind called cerebrum, that I must

express you how I truly feel and

how the things i am dealing with

constantly bother the who i am,

and the who i am

trying to be.

First of all;

DISSAPOINTMENT

is getting the ultimate energy

out of me. From people

leaving me behind, to others

stepping on me. is it alright? no.

then why do i allow it? because i'm weak.

Along with dissapointment, comes the school work,

of which i thought i was ready yet things such as "clubs & sports"

keep popping up and setting me apart from my most wanted

dream: college.

I am in a delta speed of finding my strenght

through the cracks of this broken muscle called heart.

but i am honestly finding myself more weak as the days pass

by and this weakness is making me cold as ever, from my fingers

to the way i proyect my interior and

of course it's overwhelming my black hole of which

i am more deepen in. Yes i need help. yet i need

no one because i do so much better, alone.

and my last concern...

that all my mental problems

show in my everyday life as

one simple action: eating. And

along with that habit; i no longer

find my inner HOPE for my unseen

yet miraculous God.

(how to save a life-The Fray)



Open wounds, open heart.

I saw you today,

in no time my heart stopped.
With no cautious, blood rushed
to the most infinite vein inside of me.
And the lyrics of that song keep coming
back to my mind. "we had magic"

I've been forbidden to think of you, for the sake
of my soul, for the sake of my heart. Yet I saw you
today and all boundaries trembled. I hate to think that
such weak & ignorant self as you could do so much to me.


I can have you fall to the ground if I wanted to, because I MADE YOU.
-or at least who you used to be-.
You elicited all your answers and targeted them to destroy
me, to destroy US.

how does it feel, to circumvent for an already given answer?
I wonder if you ever see yourself as what you have become:
a transparent copy of everything you promised you'd never be.
And because of that, you failed to me, to your dreams,
to your hopes, but most importantly you failed..
to YOURSELF.

Now, this feeling of revulsion and desire for you, hunts my nights.
My reasonings find it so abstruse, how can a person you loved
so much hurt you this way? and a part of me answers: "how
could you be SO stupid to NOT think he could?"

These wounds of mines, I hold you accountable for and
your actions will forever remain inconceivable to me.
And if anyone is to blame for not trying,
and if anyone is to blame of why I no longer love as fully as I used to;
I suggest you to look in the mirror. There you'll find that
onerous answer that inconceivably you avoid, my love.

Neither nine years nor 11 years will be enough to forget about Nine-Eleven

Nine years ago an exigency occurred.

Thousands of lives were lost in a tragedy of
great aspersion. Maybe it was our default,
since Protection is what we are known for,
but all this rebuke caused has left us with
stymied memories.

Is so hard to believe the brevity
in which World Trace Center was
destroyed: 15 seconds as I remembered
and 2,752 lost souls, that's including those
who died after words due to the
exposure of excesive dust but excluding
those 183 who died in The Pentagon &
44 who died in Flight 93.

Nine eleven since then, has turned
into an onerous moment of which
for some of us; It's a moment that
constantly rewinds in our memories.
Lost families, friends, people that
we will never get to meet and those
three question that will forever stay
still.

Why kill?
Who could?
How is it possible?

In these questions we expect
to find peace for our loss,
but would this really bring us back
our loved ones?
The tenet of Love is to honor those
who have died unfairly. So let us proudly
keep their memories extant. Stand up for
Love. Shout from here to the sky that they
shall now rest in peace knowing that they will
For Ever Be Alive.

Deceiving Love

Could it be possible to deceive Love?
Could Love be locked up in a place
with no windows, and still survive?
So that whatever is left would no longer
be Love neither something close to.

Love is selfish and carefree.
It cannot be forbidden from the Sun
nor the Moon. Love is free to do whatever he wants
with us.

That is why you are hurt, that is why I am hurt.
And as much as I wish this would be the last time,
I am sure with my life, it won't.

Love wants it all;
your thoughts, your soul,
your hopes. As selfish as it can be,
and as spoiled as no other feeling.

Love therefore,
needs freedom to satisfy it's own
selfishness.

Love is denial as it is affirmation.
Completely blind to it's own light,
nonsense, stubborn for his own good.
-Althought it might not be ours-

Even the cold blooded soul falls
to the ground on that moment of weakness.
Yes, Love hides weakness behind it's strength,
because you must be weak in order to become strong.

So, why haven't anyone stop Love from these childish games
of his? Why not lock it up in a safe place till it turns into
nothing?

See, some of us praise his death yet we're still here
trying to decode his silly games, trying to figure out how to get some more of that poison.
Feeding him with that pain and envy of everything we will never
have, and everything we hope to find.

Towards that final chapter, when all games
have been finally knocked down. When Love
walks it's final steps to the end. He plays
his last Ace.

~Open His Wings~

And everything else goes as follow...

Amusement.
Admiration.
Adoration.
Distraction.
H O P E.

And that's when you give in. Forgetting
past pains because Love have deceived you
again. And to answer my own question.

Love always wins.

"Palabras de una hija herida"

Rescentimiento
Y otra vez la misma historia pero nunca cambia su final.
Tu me ingonoras y me tratas
como la basura de tu vecino
pero... alguna vez te has preguntado
si te quiero?
El querer no es solo
eso, lo que tu crees que es....
Y otra tia mas!
Me castigas, le pegas,
me pegas, que quieres de mi?
que aprenda a caminar sola?
Ni la miseria que me das, es
suficiente para dar mi primer paso,
que cruel,

YO TE AMO

pero....
ahhh otra historia..
y enmpezamos de nuevo
le pegas, la dejas y consigues otra.
Las invitas de paseo, me llevas contigo
te cansas, la dejas.....

SILENCIO......

cruel silencio, miedo a ser humillada,
atrapada, muda de mis sentimientos.
El tiempo pasa, y como todo tiene final
yo tengo el mio....
Ultimo dia, me hago la dormida,
me besas, te veo salir de mi habitacion
y hasta ahi. Ya no eres parte de mi.
Que si te extrañio?
pues tu maltrato NO,
tus besos SI
aquellos, los unicos
que mostraban algun amor
hacia mi.
Pero ya no soy la misma
he aprendido (a las malas)
a darme Yo misma mi valor,
aunque antes era yo la que escuchaba
y no expresaba
Ahora, en vez de yo callar y escuchar
Tu callas y escuchas.

"TE QUIERO PORFAVOR NO TE MUERAS!"

16 y casi exitosa

Marzo 22, 1993- Primer respiro de oxigeno

Quiero hacer el resumen de mi vida, aquel que siempre espere llegar, con miedo a no poder hacerlo, con miedo a querer volver para atras y cambiar. Pero hoy que me atrevo a destapar quien soy, no tendre pelos en la lengua. Porque esto que soy en este instante, ya en el proximo. Cambiara. Por supuesto para algo mucho mejor. y asi empezare.

Tengo la mala costumbre, de no poder dejar ir, las cosas que mas me lastiman, y eso durante Toda mi vida, me ha lastimado. Hace unos años, me enamore por primera vez, y por cosas del destino sali destruida, devastada, por dias, semanas, meses, años..... El amor consume, es como una guerra en la cual se sufre, se destruye y se recupera. Perdi mi corazon muchas veces, aveces sin darme cuenta, y otras intensionalmente. Mientras mi corazon se recuperaba, se cruzaron varias personas por mi camino, que sin darme cuenta fueron sesando mi dolor, poco a poco. Y entre esas personas, una en especifico, me hizo amar de nuevo. de una forma diferente, un amor sincero, sin sufrimiento. Pero fue temporal, y como el dolor es temporal y el amor se acaba. No tardo mucho la soledad en volver. Quize negarme a ella pero el dolor vino mas intenso, destruyendo mi interior, comiendome de adentro afuera. Y la verdad, no vale consejo cuando te enamoras, porque tu corazon solo escucha lo que quiere escuchar, y solo hace lo que quiere hacer. Por mucho tiempo, sufri por algo que no estaba. sufri en silencio, en voz alta, sufri acompañada, y sufri Sola. El amor es un tema hablado por muchos, definido por varios, pero la verdadera definicion del Amor solo aparece cuando Uno mismo lo vive, cuando Uno mismo sufre por amor, muere por amor y nace por amor. Use todos los metodos, lo unico que me falto fue exorcismo, pero como siempre el dolor se hiba por tiempo, y por otro tiempo volvia. Tengo tantas preguntas que hacerle a ese amor que una ves Creo que tuve. como que se siente saber que alguien sufre por ti? no quiero mortificar, ni lastimar. Pero por alguna razon, Toda mi vida, la persona que mas queria, siempre terminaba queriendo a alguien mas que a mi. Caer en temptaciones, sabes no es facil, luchar encontra de la corriente. Tratas y tratas, y te sigues venciendo, pero eventualmente aprendes, te vuelves fuerte y sigues pa' alante.

Por muchos años vivi una vida miserable. Lastimando otras personas, queriendo amar sin fuerzas, amarrada a un sueño que nunca llegaria, viviendo en un mundo tan pero tan lejano, que mis ojos se perdian en el horizonte. Las miles de sonrisas falsas, sin fuerza, que di. Olvidando lo poderosa que soy, lo fuerte que era. Lo Super Invencible que una vez fui. Dejandome lastimar por todos, dejandome usar por todos.

Pero eventualmente, el dolor sana, las heridas se cierran, y el amor regresa para quedarse. 3 meses suenan poco, pero son un milenion para un amor verdadero. y toma solo un segundo, enamorarse. Conectar las miradas y enmpezar otra vida, otra historia con una persona que Te ama desde el instante que te ve. Una persona que te valora por lo que eres, y que de una forma u otra siempre te hace sonreir, aquella persona que el solo mencionar su nombre te hace temblar. Sonreir. te hace Feliz.

Finalmente quiero decirte, que cuando digo que soy casi una persona de exito, es porque lo soy. es porque, De verdad me siento exitosa, accomplished. porque logre llegar a la meta que tuve, la que hace 3 años atras crei nunca alcanzar, ni siquiera sobrevivir. Y aqui estoy, recuperada, levantada. Luchando por la felicidad. Por La Verdadera Felicidad. La que es infinita.

Quiero honestamente decirte, que aquel dia que aun no llega, el cual resumire mi vida, aun no llega. No porque tenga miedo, sino porque aun faltan cosas importantes que aun no pasan, y no me quiero adelantar a los hechos......

yo tambien estoy ansiosa por saber lo que viene : )

Recuerdos de mi pasado

Dos meses atras, escuche tu voz decir palabras preciosas, dedicadas para mi desde el fondo de tu corazon. Talvez presentias tu partida, talvez sentias que necesitaba escuchar esas palabras o quizas talvez la coincidencia exista en este mundo paralelo en el que estoy.

Me dormi pensando en el dia en que pueda escuchar esas palabras otra vez y me levante sintiendo que ese dia cada vez se siente mas lejano. Me dejaste, nos dejastes. They say it will take time. There is no time in the world to fix me, to fix my life. I don't know where Im heading now. Tu sonrisa ilumina mi corazon, siento que al ver tus fotos resucitas de tus cenizas y me abrazas. Y sin mentirte aveces siento un temblor en mi cuerpo, aun no descubro lo que es pero el mencionar tu nombre me devuelve aquella ultima llamada... en la que me repetias lo orgulloso que te sentias de mi. y en ese instante de mi vida siento que las lagrimas no me bastan.

Pero apesar de las lagrimas que tengo que combatir cada segundo de mi vida. No te quiero olvidar, estoy adicta a tu recuerdo, aquel que me trae todo el sufrimiento es aquel que me mantiene viva, pero al final me acostumbrare. Como siempre lo hecho, acostumbrarme a la voluntad del señor. Aceptarla, porque al final no tengo a donde mas ir y no quiero distinguirme como una hipocrita pues respecto mucho las leyes de Dios. pero cada dia en mi amanecer, anochecer siempre al final del dia la misma pregunta inundara mi cuerpo con rabia....

Porque a mi?

Dias como hoy

Extraño al flaco de mi vida~

Analizing Death and it's subreactions into my everyday

.
As a perfectionist and
extremist everyone would expect
me to demand for complications.
I like things rather
simple. At moments of rush
there is nothing else but
Black and White.

For the past year and 5 months
death have been BLACK. My worst
enemy, my push over for revenge,
my fear.

I can recall dates, moments,
memories of the times I have been
through death.Whether have been emotionally
or phisically, I have been there.
Death is linked to an unauthorized loss
And that's the hardest part of all.
Letting Go. Even when you die inside,
how do you let go of those dead feelings?

RE-BIRTH.

The door, the world
that death have
open for me. Never saw how on
earth I could get some benefits.
From dying, from crashing,
from falling, from loosing.
Yet I'm here as a survivor
because Death have shown me
Strength and most than all;
it have shown me peace.

And no, you don't need to
go through this to find yourself.
Either appreciate your today -and everyone/everything in it-
or deal with what you gotta deal.
Yes, Death have it's dark side
but once you hit that point,
where else is there to look?

We make the choise to move on,
or to stay in the darkness, under the
heavy rain.

This has to deal a lot with self-motivation;
where you want to go or what you want to achieve.
When something ends, when your story reaches its goal,
when a world finalizes; it's moment for you to
re-born, come from ashes and begin a new chapter, a new you.
or when your story does not even touch its goal. Don't let that discourage you.
Because death is a ritual to success. We must die in order to live.
Both mentally and spiritually.

I have chosen darkness all the way.
From my dad's death to loosing a friendship.
But that is no longer my case. I know
what to expect out of darkness. I don't
enjoy it, I don't get anything out of it;
Just voluntary pain.

As long as I continue to fight,
to re-born when necessary, to open up
to the light that comes out of all endings.

I will be happy.
I will be successful.
I will be in peace with myself.
I will have the wisdom to see things
from both its dark and bright side and be
able to absorb what is ONLY beneficial
for my soul.
Have a happy life.

Tus pensamientos

No creas que en mi hay rencor.
Y disculpa si mi ser atormenta tu mente.
Pero no puedes esperar que olvide el
amor, despues que prometiste entregarme
todo lo que eras.

Quien eres hoy?
Preguntate y mirate al espejo,
Pues no estoy para juzgar
Pero mas ciego no puedes haberte vuelto.

Es imposible que de tanto amor que
te entrege, lo unico que recuerdes hoy en dia
es el dolor. Y mira si las cosas son diferentes,
yo te recuerdo con tanto amor.

Mientras que para ti, mi nombre es una maldicion.

Yo de masoquista -como muchos quieren llamarme-
sigo buscandote, esperando encontrarte bien
Pero cada vez que me acerco a ti, todo lo que
recibo es rechazo, maldiciones, confuciones.

"Crying like a bitch"

Asi me recuerdas.
Como piensas encontrar quien eres
si no sabes donde estas?
Si te has resignado a buscar placer en las cosas materiales
e innecesarias de este mundo. sin esencia.

Trato de analizarte, analizarme.
Culparme por todos los errores que cometi,
Pero aun si fuera yo la culpable de esta desdicha,
no hay forma en la que YO pueda haberte traido al
abismo en que TU decidiste caer.

A diferencia de ti, yo decidi a NO
resignarme, ni caer, Porque aunque hoy
todo sea nada; meses atras esto fue mi vida.
Fuiste mi vida y por ese amor que existio,
-Al que en las noches aun le rindo honores en
los recuerdos dorados de mi memoria- por
ese amor vivire y luchare. Buscare mis verdades
y me levantare de este fango en el que me has tirado.

-Si tu, aunque en tu mundo de fantacias e irrealidades quieras
tomar el papel de simplemente el "confundido"-

y para finalizar quiero decirte que con cada uno de
tus pensamientos y decisiones me has demostrado
ser todo lo que juraste nunca ser.

Error tuyo o mio?

Mio.
Por ser tan ingenua
y creer en ti sobre todas las cosas.

Todo fue una maldita ilucion

yo si te ame.

Con mis defectos,

con mis celos,

con mis locuras,

Pero te ame.

Y te amo.

Y siempre lo imagine

el dia en que despertaras y tus sentimeintos ya

no serian los mismos.

Pero a pesar de ese miedo.

Lo entrege todooooooooo.

Y no hay palabras para expresar el danio hecho,

no hay lagrimas que pueda llenar este vacio.

Trato de no odiarte.

Pero mi linea entre el amor y el odio ya se borro

con esta lluvia que aqui cae en mi.

MALDITA ESTUPIDEZ.

Que hago llorando por alguien que no siente?

una vida planeada y ahora a empezar desde cero

Deje de buscar culpables porque

eso ya no cambiara NADA.

En el medio de mi camino,

solo me queda llorar,

y ahogarme en mi abismo.

UN ERROR.

que bellas palabras!

UN ERROR.

soy para ti.

Pero Karma es paciente.

and so am I.

Hoy me levante con el alma y el corazon conectado

Que mañana tan hermosa,
lastima que deba despertar y enfrentar este
monstruo que me ha venido persiguiendo.

Aveces rio al ver partir aquellos que tanto dicen "amar"
pero que nunca tienen la valentia de luchar.

No rindo honores a los dioses griegos
pero me pregunto que hubiera pasado
si nunca hubieran separado los cuerpos.
Que seria de aquellas almas que hubieran nacido
sin desearse mutuamente.

Pero el problema (mi problema),
nunca ha sido falta de deseo
o de amor. El problema siempre ha sido
la gloriosa forma en que me arrodillo ante el amor.
lo testaruda e irracional que se vuelve el alma al hablar.

Que si mil veces caigo en miseria al otro dia
me levanto y caigo de nuevo.

Todo humano sabe amar,
algunos por ejemplo devotan su ser y su mente
al interes y otros que se devotan a la adoracion
del omnipotente. Yo me dedico a ambos.

He tomado decisiones dolorosas
para el humano y yo -ambos-
he tomado decisiones alegres
para Dios y para mi. Pero
aun no decido si hay algo mas que me detiene
a tomar la decision de cambiar mi vida.

Estoy llena de desiluciones pero no
estoy dispuesta a caer de nuevo.
Esta vez llevare mi ser al limite, quiero
conocer la verdadera fuerza que habita en mi
y talvez en ese misterio pueda perdonar.

Ya que nunca he de olvidar.

I find these words so truthful

Forfeit the game


Before somebody else takes you out of the frame

And puts your name to shame

Cover up your face

You can't run the race

The pace is too fast

You Just won't last



You love the way,I look at you

While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through

You take away, if I give in

My life,my pride is broken



You like to think you're never wrong

(You live what you’ve learned)

You have to act like you're someone

(You live what you’ve learned)

You want someone to hurt like you

(You live what you’ve learned)

You want to share what you've been through

(You live what you’ve learned)



You love the things I say I'll do

The way I'll hurt myself again just to get back at you

You take away,when I give in

My life,my pride is broken



You like to think you're never wrong

(You live what you’ve learned)

You have to act like you're someone

(You live what you’ve learned)

You want someone to hurt like you

(You live what you’ve learned)

You want to share what you've been through

(You live what you’ve learned)



Forfeit the game

Before somebody else takes you out of the frame

And puts your name to shame

Cover up your face

You can't run the race

The pace is too fast

You Just won't last(2x)



You like to think you're never wrong

(You live what you’ve learned)

You have to act like you're someone

(You live what you’ve learned)

You want someone to hurt like you

(You live what you’ve learned)

You want to share what you've been through

(You live what you’ve learned)



You like to think you're never wrong (Forfeit the game)

(You live what you’ve learned)

You have to act like you're someone (Forfeit the game)

(You live what you’ve learned)

You want someone to hurt like you (Forfeit the game)

(You live what you’ve learned)

You want to share what you've been through

(You live what you’ve learned)

Point of Authority- Linkin Park

Words unspoken

Wisconsin boy, where are you going now?
you're departing from my life like a butterfly ready to fly.
I tried to stop you but it's too late now. My eyes are full
of tears but you are not to see me cry.

Wisconsin boy I love you more than I did yesterday.
I can't get off my head that beautiful smile of yours.
Although my mind eschew the feelings of my heart;
Deep inside you were and will always be a part of me.

Wisconsin boy don't forget about me now.
I know I never did anything to make you remember me.
But don't forget these sweet sad eyes of mines that
will always cry for thee.

     I love you desperately, unconditionally.
     Not only because of who you are but mostly
     because you are everything I'll never have.

Wisconsin boy goodbye now, may life separate you
from my sight but never from my heart.~

Meditating with the heart

Something you can't see
            instead you feel.

There is nothing you can do to stop
   the beat of your heart.

The sun rises and your eyes burn.
 The fire it brings you,
   when you hear his voice.

Isn't this love?

When your body shivers and your tongue roles,
    dancing beneath your teeth.

Kiss him! Kiss him! That's what you feel.

Love is fire; Passion and sex.
A drop of poison
killing you,
driving you,
insane.

Ayer murio algo en mi

Hay daños inrreparables
que por mas que tratemos de
olvidar, se quedan en el alma.

Tengo memorias que se repiten
una y otra vez en mi cabeza,
pesadillas que se volvieron
realidad.

Hoy termino mi libro,
Y empiezo con un nuevo amanecer,
con un nuevo rumbo.

Crei en el amor muchas veces,
y construi castillos en mi
corazon para asilar a mis
principes y mis princesas.

Pero nunca imagine, que algun
dia aquello que construi
con tanto amor, se pondria
en mi contra.

Ahora comprendo el dolor
que debe de haber sentido
el Dios del universo.

Y al igual que el, decido
hoy expulsar de mi reino
aquellos que se atrevieron
a enfrentarse en mi contra.

Talvez en mi debilidad
crei perdonar;
Pero a las 11:27am
despierto de mis pensamientos
con una fuerza inunda de rabia,
dolor y rencor.
Lucho en contra de mis principios
para llegar a mi conclusion.
Y hoy me pongo en contra de el corazon.

Destruyo con mis manos este castillo
y dejo volar a todos los que en el
un dia habitaron.

Los despido con un beso en la frente
apesar del dolor. Pero prefiero verlos
ir antes de caer en un abismo.

Amare eternamente; pero no intensamente.
Siento mucho el adios.
Siento mucho el sufrimiento.
Pero esta historia ya se acabo.

Hay dias que duran un milenio.

Hay dias; en los que mis lagrimas se secan y en vez de tristeza siento rabia.
Hay dias; en los que de tanto gritar, mi voz se pierde en el silencio.
Hay dias; en los que de tanto recordar, olvido mi nombre.
Hay dias que son tan oscuros, que los confundo con mis noches.
Hay dias; en los que todos los que me aman se acoplacan en un solo ser.
Y hay dias en los que de tanto mirar, desearia ser ciega.
Hay dias; en los que de tanto amar, desearia odiar. Porque la vida no es nada facil y amar es un complejo prematuro del dolor.
Hay dias; en los que de tanto creer en Dios, caigo en el pecado y le doy gracias por haber creado el purgatorio.
Desearia limpiar mi alma con agua divina. Bautizarme de nuevo, como cuando niña.
Hay dias; en los que me pregunto quien habra bautizado a San Juan Bautista.
Hay dias; en los que de tanto pensar desearia actuar, liberar mi mente de esta carcel mortal.
Hay dias; en los que mi lapiz y papel huyen de mi, evadiendo conmigo los horrores que oculta este mundo.
Hay dias; en los que mis deseos por combatir desaparecen y solo queda mi alma vacia en el medio camino de mis sueños.

Learning to let go.

Today I realized how unperfect everything was.

Today I look up to the sky and ask, why the lies?
You promised you'll be there for me ALWAYS,
But people are people and sometimes we change our minds.

I thought what we had was greater than a simple love.
I thought we could be friends after all.
It's normal that my thoughts are turned into mush.
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

Who said I wanted this?
I Never wanted to see you hurt.
I hope you know this isn't easy for me.
Perhaps it isn't easy for any of us.

I could say I tried,
to keep whatever was left alive.
But somehow you managed to break us apart.
Today I believe, the ones we trusted the most WILL push us
far away.

So, I should say good-bye.
Time to let you go.
I never thought I could actually do so,
but today life have proved me wrong.

Different roads.
Different minds.
No time to cry.
Time to move on.
Good-bye.

Thoughts of a kid.

"You're just a kid! you don't know what you're doing"

I put my head between my hands and allow a tear to run down my cheek.
As she calls my name I open the door and walked out, not knowing where to head.
I just knew I had to get out of that place.

My heart starts racing and I start walking fast.
I was looking for a place where no one would know
who I was. I look straight up and read Baskin robbins "not quite" I tell myself,
I look to my right, I see Musicalia "Bingo!"

The bell on top of the door rang as soon as I walked in,
and a man in a black suit welcome me and say,
"En que puedo ayudarle señorita?" (how may I help you miss?)
"Puedes retroceder el tiempo por mi?" (can you rewind time for me?)
The man look straight at me and then walks away. I smiled.

- just a kid huh-

The store was sort of surprising. I walked around a little bit reading the name
of artists out loud in my head. "Rancheras, Melody, Ricky Martin, Wisin y yandel."
and then I find a little cafeteria, I walked in. Go up to the person working there and while
my mind was deciding what to do with my thoughts, I put 100 pesos en la mesa and ask for a coke.

I just wish she knew, just wish so bad she knew! the sin she had committed;
the violation to my heart, to my thoughts, the who I am.
How could you, damn human? betray my heart!
Destroy part of the kingdom that I!
with my own hands have created.

Where is my Beowulf? oh dearest god I have found the Grendel of earth!
how do you dare, dirty human, to constrain me from something that have done no harm to
anyone.

"It's the truth anyways!, they all fake me love"

I take a zip of my coke, and remember the last conversation I had with my aunt..
she said I was old enough to know that coke would eventually kill me and then she asked me,
"do you want to die?"

I wonder.. I JUST wonder..
what would kill me first?

The lack of ignorance in my surrounds?
The lack of love?
The lack of understanding?
The lack of peace in the world?
The lack of Hope?
Or...
a bottle of coke?

En busca de explicaciones *March 16 2009*

Hoy, como qualquier otro lunes.
En los cuales los compromisos, los estudios y
el trabajo no son suficiente para abrumar todo mi tiempo;
volví a pensar en El, en la forma prohibida;
Volvi a recordar sus palabras coherentes de amor,
a revivir historias viejas, a rebuscar algun otro dolor escondido en los mantos viejos de mi memoria.

Hoy Lunes, por 5ta ves -y por miseria de la vida- entre a aquel viejo email,
que un dia por tratar de olvidar el pasado, huyendo de la verdad que aun me persigue,
tuve que abandonar; y ahí en aquel folder en el cual siguen guardados los mas dulces secretos
de mi lado oscuro, volví a sentir el nudo en el estomago, la rabia, la nostalgia, todos aquellos sentimientos que una ves les describi a rocío en el balcon de su casa.

Necesito saber lo que fue o lo que no fue,
y aunque se la verdad; Mi mente misteriosa y atrevida no se satisface con aquellas explicaciones
que detalladamente le doy.

Y es que ni el corazón esta satisfecho con mis reacciones,
los sentimientos son tan dificiles de dejar ir,
y es que el amor nunca se acaba siempre esta ahí,
los unicos que decidimos que hacer con el somo nosotros,
los misericordiosos & los miserables.

Y se que en parte yo lo destruí,
entonces cuando trato de explicar tal verdad a la mente y el corazon,
ellos como amigos y rivales se unen para estar en contra mia,
de mis verdades, de mis razones, de mis causas. Me entiendes?.
Ahora entiendes porque la guerra continua dentro de mi?
y el que estes cerca o lejos de mi, no hace NINGUNA diferencia,
pues mientras mas te tengo, mas te quiero y
mientras mas lejos estas,
mas cerca te quiero.


Las cosas no son faciles en este laberinto.

Dream or nightmare?

Last night I dream beauty.
I dream that my life was off pain and
That I didn't need to run away, anymore.

Last night I dream in colors, last night...
Last night I dream about you.

I dream you were alive
And woke up forgetting that you are not
There.

Reality sucks very bad.
And in this world full of selfishness,
Tears are trade it like candies in halloween.

Reality.

Sometimes I just gotta cry my heart out,
Let the darkness consume me and my deeper thoughts.
Consolation is not longer enough because the pain is always there.

But unfurtunatly he is NOT.

Seeing you again,
Was like finding myself.
&
Sometimes I feel like I was born to suffer,
Sometimes I see myself as a mistake.
I am a mistake.
But you can't really fix mistakes, instead you work with them.
Therefore I be the best mistake ever made.

Sometimes I feel like crying my heart out.
Letting my pain fly and darkness overcome my thoughts.

These minutes I take to let my thoughts be written by my fingers
Are the most precious moments of my life. Because I dont have to hide,
Because I can be the person that I feel like being. These precious minutes I value,
Trying to escape, to later on come back and realize that he is not there, nothing else is there
but my problems.

Alliteration.

Pure poison perhaps, Poor
thing that tries too hard,
to be something that she is not,
so sweet and so sad!
Her eyes; dark
brown, buried between the blue sky.
Her life; like lost soul, swims in the valleys of
eternity expecting exact explanation,
for something that is not.
Don't fear the Tic Tac Toc of the clock. If you still
waiting with wide willingness for love.
Don't dare to diminish hope.
Don't yet Zip the
heart, he has hopes he wish to touch.
So now, no naive shall tell you otherwise. You are Beautiful, and that's what counts.
Carry calmly, constant control
of your thoughts through the day, don't let nobody tell you what
they think tenets relates. You, youngful yet mindful person shall define your own tenet.
Life, looks like long
roads but towards the end you shall surely find
Love.

Encripta la poesia real

Raro este amor que me entregas a mi.

  A mas de lo que pido y espero de ti.

     Y por mas que lo pienso no dejo de sonreir.

        Mi mundo esta completo ahora que estas aqui.

            Una esencia vital ya eres para mi.

              No puedo evitar soñar y pensar en ti.

                 Dime, sientes como yo?

                   O, talvez lo quieres vivir.

  

Y si talvez te lo digo al oido cambiaria tu sentir?

                  Prestame tus alas y dejame soñar.

              Amarte en mis noches y mis dias nada mas.

          Mi corazon salta de alegria al saber que es verdad.

       Espero no acabe esta mi realidad.

    Lo mas sincero que existe, eres tu y nadie mas.

Amarte hasta el fin del mundo, podria volverse realidad.

14 versos del pensamiento

Se que el tiempo explicara mis sentimientos.

que todo estas dudas son culpa de mis celos.

Se que el Amor es una trampa maldita.
Y yo no tengo valor para enfrentar mis dias.

Pero estos celos no quieren callar.
Ellos deciden expresar miedos y verguenzas, entre dos.
Yo no quiero sufrir, pero tampoco quiero ser mentida.
No quiero imaginar cosas que no son, que no estan.


Si me tienes que decir adios hazlo ahora.
Antes que mi corazon siga adelante con este amor.
Porque mi corazon nunca escucha razon.
Y solo huye al zumbido de Dolor.


Prefiero morir en la carrera que llegar a una meta vacia.
Prefiero entregarlo todo y quedarme descalza antes que sufrir la paliza.


Jure no abrir mi corazon tan facil, no entregarlo todo a la ligera.
Pero este corazon es mas masoquista de lo que imagine.
No entiende mis temores, solo quiere libertad lo se.

Yo se que debo callar algunos sentimientos.
Pero mi corazon cada dia late mas fuerte.
Quisiera olvidar que tengo un corazon,
Sera eso posible?

No quiero forzar palabras que no estan en ti.
Pero mis labios mueren por hablar,
Decir cosas que siento ya.

No espero a que sientas todo lo que esta aqui,
Ni que repitas cada sentimiento, como el eco al mar.
Solo entiende que,

Te quiero amar.


Quisiera que el tiempo pase, para poder expresar lo que rodea mi cabeza.
Pero otra ves, quiero evitar sufrimiento.
Todo esta pasando tan rapido. Ya nose en que pensar.
Nose si esto sea verdadero o si lo estare soñando una vez mas.

Como evitar que mi corazon lata tan rapido y piense en volar?

Pero despues de todas mis dudas siempre viene este deseo que me tira al suelo.
Despues de cada desahogo de celos inmensos,
Viene este Amor que te tengo,
A rondar mi cabeza, a hundirme en sueños
Y despues de eso ya no tengo nada, ni preguntas, ni miedos..
No necesito, ni quiero nada.

Solo me quedas Tu.

Y regreso a ti.
Con brazos abiertos, con corazon en mano.
Callando de nuevo,
Entregando todo en silencio.

Sonnet Elegy for Haiti

Oh, mother nature you speak always soft,
but this time you did not speak as we thought.
Sometimes I wonder what we did so wrong
but no answers are given for this fall.

Oh, mother nature now what's left of us?
we cry our lungs out but that isn't enough.
Our loved ones you've taken away from us.
Pain now surrounds us as our eyes you bluff.

I've nothing to give but prayers to God.
I'm still in this world and I want to find why.

Put my heart on top of a cold stone this time.

It has been 2 years now.
Since the first time I met his eyes.
Things been so wrong since then.
I have gotten so many different sights from my heart.
First hate & rejection.
Then kindness & understanding.
We've been through so much (or at least that's how I see it)
you have been rude to me & I have been rude to you.
But 3 months to now, things have change. Suddenly I seem to hear the sound of my heart beat faster at
the sound of your steps. Suddenly my day seem to bright up at the thought of your presence.
But even then I didn't put much of attention to this feeling
and just laugh at the idea of really feeling something for you.
I mean. I never thought this could happen to me.
And when I realize how much of this power have gone out of control. I just shake my head and all thoughts involved.
So, I decided to stop any type of absolute bond with you.
Of course, we don't talk. And as long as this feeling over-runs my head it would stay that way.
Pathetic I feel sometimes, when to cease my thirsts I run behind you. I feel like crying my heart out
and let you know of this...Obsession. But of course that would be like stabbing my heart with a knife and scissors.
But today was the extreme. Besides being a ridiculous Stalker. I google "what to do when you have a crush  on a teacher" I could barely remember everything I read. The only words that stood out were: Illegal, NOT in love, Impossible, Phase, Temporary, Obsession.... and I felt so dumb.
I look at myself in the mirror and I laugh. Is this alright?
They say it's just a phase, to enjoy the feeling while it lasts because 3 years from now this would just be a memory. I hope these years pass on quick because everytime you get an inch closed, my air disappears. I don't see this as something "Fun" anymore. This bothers me, this feeling of wanting something Impossible. It hurts to dream alone, is like a curse. This feeling come and go, I can leave for weeks and come back and this desire will still be there. I can get distracted and not see you for a week. And as soon as you meet my eyes in the hall way my whole body shakes. Goose bumps, shocks, I can feel the burning blood rush through my veins in a sec. My body becomes numb and my face turns blank with no expression, time stops for me. All this in a merely second, or perhaps more because the next thing I hear is the late bell.
is it fair? not really. does he know? well isn't it obvious?

P.6

Believe in the magic of Power and Love.

Believe in the dreams that you faithfully hold.

Open the door, that you thought was lock.

Enter the room were strength is reborn.

Color the walls in white marvel dots.

Dream big and you'll land among stars & more.

Even if you think you won't get there.

Trust me you'll be surprised by the results.

Dreams are made for you, so what are you waiting for?

For the steps to come and go?

Get your feet on the road.

Start creating. soon you'll be on the top.

Fresh start

I decided to start my year FRESH.

set my goals, start my changes, trace lines.

Many people might hate the new changes,

others might get hurt.

But I decided that this time I will care about ME.

Take decisions that are absolutely and ONLY good for ME.

period. End of the story.

Like it or not, that would stay the truth for this entire year (;